Comments for Kayla Polous's Paper. 1. My overall impression: I found this paper might be very interesting after I read the first paragraph. Because it introduced two type of writings in Business: emails and proposals. And the directions of what will go next are clear, too. I assumed that in the rest of the paper, author will covered professionalism, patience, and organization in Business's writings. Though, this first paragraph can still improve a little bit in it structure, it was already have all the essential elements to be a good thesis paragraph. My suggestion here is to start this paragraph with a hook. Like, how people may misunderstanding the writings in business, and the truth is... Then divided two type of writings you will introduce in academic and non-academic, then, give the sub-topic of what kind of aspects in these two writing you will focus (structure, audience, purpose, etc). Ending by a clear direction for what will come next, this will be a perfect thesis paragraph.
2. Areas you can improve: The overall ideas is great, but the transitions in this paper is a little bit insufficient. Subtopics were divided in different paragraphs, but there were merely connections between paragraphs. The paper is flow, but once read to the end of a paragraph, it felt like another new passage starting from next paragraph. To fix this weakness, the ideas between paragraphs can naturally have logical connections. For example, make professionalism and patience as first two subtopics, the transition between these two paragraphs can be: to have a good business writing, people not only need to write in professional language, but also need to be patience to make sure there's no mistakes occur in writings.
As for another suggestion. It's hard to say, but the focus in this paper really got some problems. There are two type of writings mentioned in thesis, and this assignment is required to have academic and non-academic writings' analysis in paper. However, the whole paper was focusing on email only, proposal was appeared in the last one short paragraph. If the focus could change a little bit, put half of paper writing about email, and the rest half writing proposal. Organization will looks better under this circumstance.
The conclusion is supposed to concluded the whole paper, and put two types of writing together, comparing the similarities and differences, perhaps the final paragraph could improve a little bit, too.
This paper used interview materials very good, though it may cause some ideas lose author's personal thoughts. The paper should based on author's curiosities, focused on what author wants to write. The interview and sources are only for support author's ideas, using to prove that author's thoughts are right, but not lead the thesis of this paper. Delete some of the conversations from interview, instead of that, express more personal perspective on what do you think the unique of writing in business.
Final little advice is using less first person, try to make the language more objective. It's a good draft, really! I'm looking forward to see the final version of this paper.
Initial thought I think you had a very strong paper. I think you had good supporting evidence to go along with your paper. Your intro and conclusion were very detailed, but not too much where it gave away info. I really liked your idea topics, they were no the basic topics. It gave the paper more individualism. While reading it, I noticed you did not really elaborate much on the SRL Structre, Refrence and Language. I think if you add more info on that, your paper will become stronger. By doing this, it will prove you know more at the specific characteristics about the SRL. Overall I thought you had very well written paper.
1. Structure of your paper a. I would try to look out for the way you make your paper flow. I feel like at the end of your thoughts, you just end your paragraph. Try to give like a closing sentence, or even something that goes along with the next paragraph. This will help with the flow of your paper, making it sound stronger. 2. Commas a. Through out the paper I found some grammatical errors. I circled the ones I noticed right away. Try to go back and notice if you see any more. What I do is I will say the sentence very slow to myself to see if the comma would work there, or if its not needed. I founded out that by doing that it really helped me with my grammar, as a writer. 3. Organization a. When going to your final copy, try to organize your thoughts all first, before writing them done. I feel like you talk about one thing then just jump to another. My suggestion is to maybe make an outline of your paper first, then turn that into a paper. The papers that I outline my info first, usually end up getting a better grade. Also it makes it a lot easier to write because you have everything you want to write about already there, all you need to do is add the “fluff” to make it sound better. Overall I think you have a very strong paper. If you fix the little changes, I think you wil receive a high grade. All the changes are simple and small. GOOD JOB!!
Comments for Kayla Polous's Paper.
ReplyDelete1. My overall impression:
I found this paper might be very interesting after I read the first paragraph. Because it introduced two type of writings in Business: emails and proposals. And the directions of what will go next are clear, too. I assumed that in the rest of the paper, author will covered professionalism, patience, and organization in Business's writings. Though, this first paragraph can still improve a little bit in it structure, it was already have all the essential elements to be a good thesis paragraph. My suggestion here is to start this paragraph with a hook. Like, how people may misunderstanding the writings in business, and the truth is... Then divided two type of writings you will introduce in academic and non-academic, then, give the sub-topic of what kind of aspects in these two writing you will focus (structure, audience, purpose, etc). Ending by a clear direction for what will come next, this will be a perfect thesis paragraph.
2. Areas you can improve:
The overall ideas is great, but the transitions in this paper is a little bit insufficient. Subtopics were divided in different paragraphs, but there were merely connections between paragraphs. The paper is flow, but once read to the end of a paragraph, it felt like another new passage starting from next paragraph. To fix this weakness, the ideas between paragraphs can naturally have logical connections. For example, make professionalism and patience as first two subtopics, the transition between these two paragraphs can be: to have a good business writing, people not only need to write in professional language, but also need to be patience to make sure there's no mistakes occur in writings.
As for another suggestion. It's hard to say, but the focus in this paper really got some problems. There are two type of writings mentioned in thesis, and this assignment is required to have academic and non-academic writings' analysis in paper. However, the whole paper was focusing on email only, proposal was appeared in the last one short paragraph. If the focus could change a little bit, put half of paper writing about email, and the rest half writing proposal. Organization will looks better under this circumstance.
The conclusion is supposed to concluded the whole paper, and put two types of writing together, comparing the similarities and differences, perhaps the final paragraph could improve a little bit, too.
This paper used interview materials very good, though it may cause some ideas lose author's personal thoughts. The paper should based on author's curiosities, focused on what author wants to write. The interview and sources are only for support author's ideas, using to prove that author's thoughts are right, but not lead the thesis of this paper. Delete some of the conversations from interview, instead of that, express more personal perspective on what do you think the unique of writing in business.
Final little advice is using less first person, try to make the language more objective.
It's a good draft, really! I'm looking forward to see the final version of this paper.
Initial thought
ReplyDeleteI think you had a very strong paper. I think you had good supporting evidence to go along with your paper. Your intro and conclusion were very detailed, but not too much where it gave away info. I really liked your idea topics, they were no the basic topics. It gave the paper more individualism. While reading it, I noticed you did not really elaborate much on the SRL Structre, Refrence and Language. I think if you add more info on that, your paper will become stronger. By doing this, it will prove you know more at the specific characteristics about the SRL. Overall I thought you had very well written paper.
1. Structure of your paper
a. I would try to look out for the way you make your paper flow. I feel like at the end of your thoughts, you just end your paragraph. Try to give like a closing sentence, or even something that goes along with the next paragraph. This will help with the flow of your paper, making it sound stronger.
2. Commas
a. Through out the paper I found some grammatical errors. I circled the ones I noticed right away. Try to go back and notice if you see any more. What I do is I will say the sentence very slow to myself to see if the comma would work there, or if its not needed. I founded out that by doing that it really helped me with my grammar, as a writer.
3. Organization
a. When going to your final copy, try to organize your thoughts all first, before writing them done. I feel like you talk about one thing then just jump to another. My suggestion is to maybe make an outline of your paper first, then turn that into a paper. The papers that I outline my info first, usually end up getting a better grade. Also it makes it a lot easier to write because you have everything you want to write about already there, all you need to do is add the “fluff” to make it sound better.
Overall I think you have a very strong paper. If you fix the little changes, I think you wil receive a high grade. All the changes are simple and small. GOOD JOB!!